A Dad joke too far.....
The day your child is born is a life changing day for everyone involved, not only because you've now become a proper adult, who has to ensure another human being is fed, watered, clothed and has a roof over their head, whilst also ensuring they have the right guidance to ensure they don't turn out to be a total dick when they finally reach adulthood.
But also because it's the day that you become a "Dad" and I'm not talking about you becoming the father of your child, that part is obvious for anyone to see, becoming a "Dad" is something completely different.
I'm talking about something that is as mysterious, as it is troubling. It's something that isn't talked about, and is only mentioned in hushed tones around the pub table while one of your other Dad mates sits glumly trying to flip a beer mat and catch it; hopelessly pretending it's not happening.
I'm convinced that during childbirth there are 3 stages of birth, first comes your child, then comes the placenta, then after that whilst you're distracted out pops this mysterious force from your wife's vagina, which cleanses you of all, fashion sense, joke telling skills and the ability to dance, almost like a primal insurance policy to insure she won't have to worry about you getting any female attention ever again, whilst denying you could ever dance, or had any fashion sense in the first place.
(Disclaimer their is no proof this magical force exists and there is a good chance if you look deeper into it, the ten tequilas you had at the bar convinced you, you were a good dancer.)
But regardless of how we seem to turn into "Dads" (a lot of the time we turn into our own Dads) there comes a day when you realise it's happened, mine was the other day when I dropped a bunch of papers that had been passed to me at work and I awkwardly made a joke about never getting a job as a juggler in the circus. Ben's happened on a lazy Sunday afternoon when he found himself in the car driving to buy a fleece!
This is something all Dads go through, come to terms with and eventually embrace only the other day I was at the wildlife park with my daughter stood next to another family we were all patiently waiting at the wolf enclosure waiting for them to be fed.
While the Mothers and children waited with bated breath for the wolves to tuck into their meal, bubbling under the surface myself and the Dad next to me unknowingly, already had exactly the same thought.
As the wolves tucked in I bent down and said "Woah they must of been hungry they're wolfing it down!!" at that very moment the guy next to me said exactly the same thing and before his wife could roll her eyes we looked up at each other almost in slow motion a knowing smile flashing across our faces, without having to say a thing we both knew at that moment that we weren't alone in our world of shit jokes and trainers with "Dad" jeans, it had happened we had become "Dads".
I immediately responded with "Mate, you are howl-arious," to which he replied with feigned humility " oh Pack it in" it was at this point we noticed people looking, so we stopped and carried on with our business like nothing had happened, My point is this is going to happen, you will become a "Dad", so accept it, acknowledge it when you see it in other Dads, and thank your wife's vagina for this wonderful gift!
Signs you've become a "Dad"
1. When dancing, it feels weird and different, no longer can you just enter the dancing floor in a normal fashion you have to sort of dance onto it, moving your arms like an out-of-sync train shouting "WHEEYY!!" You soon realise all rhythm has gone, in a panic, trying to distract everyone from this fact you decide to do the robot or air guitar.
2. You start to magically remember the names of roads and motorways you've driven on, regardless of whether you've used a sat nav, you'll hear the really accomplished dads who've embraced this life for years ask each other which route they took (almost in a test to see how much of a "Dad" they are) and they will happily reel off the whole route, road by road only stopping to complain about the never ending roadworks on the M1.
3. At some point you will feel too old to wear the clothes you wore in your twenties but too young to wear boring clothes, you also find once you have a baby wearing anything nice will be covered in baby food or vomit within 10 minutes of putting it on, so you settle for comfortable, washable, with a bit of youth thrown in and ta da!! You've just entered the world of "dad jeans" and trainers my friend!
4. At some point shortly after the birth, you will feel the need to tell Dad jokes, these usually contain puns, or have a really obvious punchline, it's almost like your original repertoire of jokes you used to keep for special occasions down the pub no longer exist, and have been replaced with an incredibly long list of cracker jokes that you can't help insert into any situation, it's only a matter of time before you pass someone a pencil and ask them to draw the curtains!!
Other more minor signs worth noting are:
Owning a paint stirring stick.
worrying about the electricity bill when you see someone forgot to turn the light off when they left the room.
Humming or walking with your hands behind your back/hands on hips when you're stood still (bonus points for rocking back and forth on your heels).
If your child says "I'm hungry" replying "hi Hungry, I'm Dad nice to meet you" without thinking anything of it.
no longer finding music as good, it all seems a bit rubbish and nowhere near as good as it was a few years ago
We'd love to hear the things you do that make you feel like a "Dad" comment below and let us know.