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Sports day, who is it really about?


This was my first sports day as a parent and I'll be honest when you're looking at it through the eyes of a parent it's a whole different ball/beanbag/sack game.


Now I'll admit I'm competitive, but I like to think it's in a healthy way, if I do something I want to at least TRY and be the best and at least set myself up to succeed.


Which is exactly why I was partaking in a bit of running practice on the field the night before the big event, and I'm sure by now you're reacting the exact same way Autumn's mum did, and saying "but it's not about you Matt, it's about the kids!"


The thing is that's exactly why I was doing it, because I honestly don't mind how Autumn does in her races, I want her to win, I'm rooting for her to win, but win or lose it doesn't matter to me as long as she's happy and trying her hardest, and having fun, but what I don't want her to do is be embarrassed of her daddy in the parents race, so I had a little warm up the night before, admittedly part of me had Autumn's mums' words ringing in my ears and the way she insinuated that this was a self centered act was still going through my head, but I honestly needn't have worried.


As I arrived at the sports day the first race had already started, and although the parents were all continuously clapping through the race, everyone knew that this was to hide the fact that their middle class, village fete, bunting on VE day masks had slipped! Underneath the constant clapping were primal, guttural screams for their kids to "RUN", and "HOLD ONTO THE EGG IF YOU HAVE TO OLIVER!!!"


Then came the parents race, as this is lads to dads and we are here to help please find our handy reference guide to all the different types of parents you'll find yourself up against in this year's sports day!


Mums race!


Princess Diana


This mum is the Alpha female of the sports day, admin of the mum's what's app group, head of the school pta, and will nearly always turn up in a long flowy skirt, which at first appears to be a fashion statement, but this actually doubles up as the perfect free flowing attire for running, tells everyone at the starting line that "it's the taking part that counts ladies" and thanks everyone for being such a good sport, as it's for the kids at the end of the day!


The non-gym, gym mum.




This mum wears gym wear/those leggings everyone wears on TikTok to make their bum look good, all year round despite having only been in the gym twice this year (although she did do Joe wicks p.e a couple of times and she's got Charlotte Crosby's work out DVD) she gets up and doesn't make a fuss as she doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that even though she's been recommending the squat challenge and weight loss pills all year round she's actually just blessed with great genes, a high metabolism and lives off a diet of cigarettes and prosecco.


The "reluctant" runner





This is the one to watch she will pretend she doesn't want to take part, pretend she is too embarrassed, or too unfit, but she's been practicing all year for this moment, if there is a false start it will be her, if you are next to her you'll notice her foot is an inch further forward than yours, and when she attempts to fish hook you mid race and apologetically hands back clumps of your hair at the finish line, she will swear blind she doesn't know what got into her and it must be because she's just has the coil fitted and her hormones are all over the place!



The Dads race!




Mr perfect


This guy might wear a shirt or instead he might rip it off to ensure a mother can use it as a modesty sling so she can feed her newborn baby and still enjoy her kids sports day safe from their leering glances of the rest of the mere mortals representing the male race.


Has a year round tan, is a landscape gardner and works with his hands, but also a doctor saving lives on a daily basis, in his spare time he campaigns for the rights of women in the workplace, whilst also taking the bins out without even being asked or mentioning it!


He'll win but won't brag he'll just stand at the finish line clapping all the other dads as they finish the race!


The whippet





The whippet started training for marathons about the same time him and his wife realised kids had been a band aid for their failing relationship, and they actually annoy the shit out of each other, but instead of addressing the issue he joined a running club, she gets to sit and watch her soaps and frig off to peaky blinders, whilst he gets to be out of the house running for hours with his mates, as well as his five a side on Fridays and golf on the weekend. He'll be off like a rat up a drain pipe, might stop at the finish line, might carry on running with his wife shouting "DON'T YOU DARE PAUL, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME WITH THIS MESS, GET BACK HERE.....PAUL...PAULLL!!!!"



The hooligan





Likely to find him threatening to nut the referee at his son's Sunday league game every week, massive Millwall fan, sits in the same seat at the pub every night giving his opinion on everything, calls the teacher a snowflake because she's got a teaching qualification, used to do a bit of boxing when he was a kid, but they told him he was too "nutty" so packed it in, has spent the whole sports day screaming at his kid, "GET INTO EM, FUCK EM UP!" Puts in a good effort but managed a few fast steps before his beer belly throws him off balance and he ends up falling over dislocating his shoulder and insists he's fine it's just an old injury from the territorial army before vomiting due to the pain!


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